a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
