She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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