sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
