my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
