I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So many bounce houses so little time
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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