you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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