i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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