I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
