i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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