Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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