My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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