The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize