I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I feel great
I just peed on a car
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
