dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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