Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Why did my mother make you get naked?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
