someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
