Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
