this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
