i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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