exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
