come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we made out on top of his cat.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
