I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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