Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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