I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
