my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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