Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I checked into jail on foursquare
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
