Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
