Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
