Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
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We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
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I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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