I didn't shave. On purpose
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
