I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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