Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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