i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
