My nipple is on Facebook.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
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Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
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Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.