i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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