You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
