peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
