Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We left an ass print on the piano.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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