non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
