everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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