I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I did not marry a roomba.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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