I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
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The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
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Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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