The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
