You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You took a bar mat shot.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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