If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
