my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
tell me about the eggs
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize