Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
