Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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