I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
