do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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