I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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