they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
