I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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