i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
