He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
